Welcome back Jane Gould!

The final episode I experienced was late summer, 2008. It literally blindsided me into opening my eyes and seeing my life clearly. It whopped me in the face and showed me that I had been living as a shadow and not living as my true self.

One Monday morning, my right eye started going blurry. I thought I was getting a migraine (I'd experienced a couple during pregnancy), but it was weird because there was no headache. Over the next few days I lost color in that eye, then I lost peripheral vision, and all I could see were blurs. It got slowly got worse and worse during the week. On Friday I saw a specialist who confirmed I was having an episode of optic-neuritis (inflammation of the optic nerve).

My neurologist told me that high-dose intravenous steroid treatment had been proven to help this particular symptom. Despite my aversion to western meds and my dislike of steroids (I did them when I was first diagnosed, and it was that experience that turned me onto Eastern medicine) I was so utterly freaked out about what was happening to my vision that I decided to go for it.

The next Monday, I began three days of high dose intravenous steroid treatment in the chemo ward at Kaiser. The veins in my arm collapsed after the first day, so day 2 & 3 I had the drip in my hand. I was taking anti-nausea and anti-heart burn pills to combat the side-effects of the high doses of drugs. The treatment took about four hours each time and had a build-up effect.

Day 1, my then-husband came with me. Day 2, a girlfriend came with me. Day 3, I was wasted. Out of it. High and drugged-up. Had a fight with then-husband first thing in the morning. He left. I had no way of getting to the hospital. I cried. He texted me saying I was clearly strong enough to make my own way to there. I didn't understand how anyone could do this to another human being.

I called my American mom, she dropped what she was doing ("is it in the chemo ward, Jane? Oh, good, I've always wanted to see what happens in those places...") and brought me to the hospital. She held my hand. She sat with me for the next few days while my Ex stayed 'out of my way'. My friends brought dinner and took care of my kids. They knew about his pattern of taking off when I got sick. Moms at school I didn't know brought dinner and had my kids to play. They all wondered where my then-husband was. I lied.

After the hospital treatment and a couple of weeks of my friends caring for me, my vision came back completely. Then my parents came for Thanksgiving, and I was well enough to observe the terrifically obvious metaphore I'd been given. Clearly the situation in which I was living was not healthy or conducive to healing. My friends were supporting me, rather than the person I was married to. It wasn't hard to conclude that I was better off by myself, than with someone I couldn't count on. And, that I needed to teach my kids how to be strong and independent.

As I regained color, I said goodbye to my shadow. When I saw clearly again, I knew it was time to say goodbye to my marriage and life as I knew it.

Now, you know me, I like to find the lessons in life....And there's certainly a ton of lessons out of this. I am working on figuring them out. For the time being though, I'm working on finding forgiveness for my ex. Can we take this out into the world? Can you find forgiveness for those who can't handle being there for people when they need it. I'm not saying we like them for it or accept it, but can we send blessings and move on instead of holding grudges and carrying disappointment and anger with us?

• December 31, 2009. According to State of California the marriage of Jane and Mr. P is terminated.

I know this is just a piece of paper, that we've been separated for nearly a year and a half already, and, in my heart it was over much longer than that, but still, on paper and metaphorically it's a big day...

• January 1, 2010. Welcome Jane Gould. This time for real, not metaphorically. The first day of the rest of my life.

Big Love to You

And Happy 2010!!!

NEW YEAR'S EXERCISE

go on a bender. Dance, laugh, giggle, scream.

Or

be quiet, relax, laze, make-love, cry.

Ask yourself: "what do I need to do to welcome in 2010 and say farewell to 2009?" Whatever it is that YOU want and need to do. Get creative and do it, write - journal - light candles. If you need help figuring it out, call or get in touch. I'm here to help.

xoxoxoxoxo

The Courage to Live

Life can be tough at times. There are good times, bad times, sad times and happy times. And, all the times in between. Living with MS can be killer. Not only are you living the normal day-to-day stuff, but you're living with a whole pile of other stuff too.

Perhaps you can't walk, or talk anymore. Maybe your arm is numb and weak, and your hand is so full of spasticity that you can't bend your fingers. Maybe your vision is blurry and you can't see color anymore. Perhaps you fall over because your balance is compromised, and when you go for a walk, your legs begin to drop and feet begin to drag. Maybe you have incontinence or constipation.

Maybe when you turn your head or bend your neck, a shooting tingling sensation runs along your spine. Perhaps you feel like you've got a tight girdle strangling your torso. Maybe you can't remember things anymore and get confused a lot. Or, you are so fatigued you can't get out of bed, and when you've had a shower and got dressed you literally have to lie-down because you are tired to your core. Perhaps you're depressed. Suicidal even.

These are some of the symptoms of MS. These are some of the things that when someone tells you they have MS, they are telling you they live with everyday or have experienced at some time or another.

This is why I believe that people living with MS deserve a medal. And, why I am focusing my life on helping those with MS anyway I can - including through adaptive yoga classes, training teachers to teach yoga to MS, writing this blog, writing a book of meditations, affirmations and yoga poses for adults with MS, and a book for kids with a parent with MS. It is also why I am proud to be working with the Northern California NMSS, as the 2010 Marin/Sonoma Ambassador, sharing my experiences to bring awareness of this disease to others.

When you meet someone with MS, I hope that you can give them some extra love and extra respect for living so courageously. But, is that enough? Can we take this lesson and share it with everyone we meet? Even though most people are not living with a chronic illness, everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with. Whatever it may be, however large or small it may seem to an outsider, can we be more patient and send love out into the world?

Photographed above: world famous MS Yoga Guru and author of Yoga for Multiple Sclerosis, Eric Small and his incredible assistant, Doug Dee.

Namaste.

Yoga: Integrity through Simplicity

Integrity.

1.firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.

2. an unimpaired condition.

3. the quality or state of being complete or undivided.

source: Merriam-Webster dictionary

About a year and a half ago, I was revising for my final test to become a certified Yoga teacher with YogaWorks. All the trainees had been given two poses to teach to the rest of the class. The poses I had been given were two of the simplest poses in yoga to get into. Supta Padangustasana, reclining hand to big toe pose (lying on back, lift one leg straight up to the sky and hold toe or a strap around the foot in both hands, it's a yummy hamstring stretch and releases lower back) and Apanasana, knees to chest pose (lying on back, draw both knees to chest and rest here, breathing deeply into the stomach area and back, great for the digestive system and back).

As I was doing my run through at home, I observed that the easier the poses, the easier it was for the mind to run away and get distracted in other stuff - "what's for lunch? how long before class is over? what am I going to wear to that party on Friday night?"... Because, the harder the pose, the more there is for the mind to hook onto and focus on - "where is my foot supposed to be? Oooo, must focus on balancing, don't want to fall over...focus, focus, focus..."

As I was planning to teach the poses, I realized that due to their simplicity I didn't need to 'teach' them. What I needed to do was to guide the students into the pose, and the teaching was the intention behind the pose. To find the Integrity of the pose.

"Can you be here and keep your mind focused on your body and breath? Can you keep you find balance between 'do-ing' the pose and 'be-ing' the pose? Can you maintain the quality of your breath and a peaceful mind, while keeping your body working without gripping or stressing? Can you be here now, strongly in the pose, gently relaxed, whilst breathing positivity and love into every cell of your body?"

Practicing yoga for me is a lifestyle, not something reserved for the mat. Going deeper with these questions, I asked myself if I was living with integrity. Was I living my life honestly? Was I living with a quality that I was truly happy with? What was the state of my being? Was I living with strength while being relaxed, loving myself and others, focused and present? Really? The answer to all these questions hit me very clearly. No. Not one bit. The reason why not? I was in a horribly ugly marriage.

Time came for the test. I passed. My teacher said that my Dharma (sanskrit for duty, virtuous path) is teaching and sharing yoga with others.

A month later I told my Ex that I was done. This time forever. The intense realization of needing to live with integrity was one of the final nails in the coffin of my marriage, which had been getting hammered for years. A year later my divorce was final. One of the biggest things keeping me in the marriage was my diagnosis of MS. I was living in fear and believed that I needed to be in a relationship. That's another story for another time.

It was the roughest year of my life. My fairytale dream of marriage had been shattered years ago, but facing it and dealing with was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I take my hat off to all women who have made the decision to get out of bad marriages and go it alone. I left the life my parents dreamed of for me and, that on the outside looked like the American (British) dream: two kids, sports car driving exec husband, big house with water views, rental property, ski trips, foreign vacations.

I'm living in a teeny apartment, my kids share a room, and I can hear the hum of the freeway 24/7. I joke that if you squint your ears you can imagine the noise is the sound of the ocean. I'm figuring out ways to make money so that one day we can move into a house, so my kids can have their own rooms and a garden.

But, I'm happy and I'm free. I'm living with integrity, and I've surrounded myself with others who also live with integrity. Life is too short and too precious not to. And, I know in my heart that I'm teaching my kids to live with integrity, and that is my ultimate vocation as a mother.

One last little thought for today: whether you already practice yoga or if you don't practice, and you doubt your ability to be a 'good' yogi cos you can't wrap yourself into a pretzel or touch your toes, don't go there! I hope that I've shown you that yoga is sooo much more than getting your body into various shapes. In fact, you never ever need to twist into anything to be an incredible yogi. Truly.

More soon.

Namaste.

YOGA POSE: APANASANA, Knees to Chest Pose

Benefits: great for digestion, tummy-aches, constipation, IBS, back problems, calming for the CNS.

Lying on your back, draw both knees into your chest. Wrap your arms around your knees and clasp your hands. Relax your back, shoulders, neck and back of the head onto the ground below.

Relax the muscles on your face. Breathe deeply into your tummy and back. Stay here for between 1-3 minutes. Focus your mind by following your breath coming in from the back of the nose above the top lip and out from the tip of your nose.

Have a beautiful day!

xoxox

The most wonderful teacher. Emily.

My daughter, Emily, was eleven months old when I was diagnosed with MS. I'd been for a hike with her in a backpack carrier. We'd hiked to the top of Mt. Tam on a glorious Californian summer's day. It was perfect. The sky was crystal blue, the earth ached with the heat. I worked up a great sweat and remember feeling so happy to be alive, living here in the most beautiful place in the world, mama to a perfect, beautiful little girl.

That evening I couldn't cool down. However much cold water I drank, even after a cool shower, my body seemed to be hot from the inside out. I noticed that when I turned my head and put my chin to chest that I sent a tingling sensation shooting down my spine from my head all the way to my toes. Then, my right arm went numb and heavy. Gradually the numbness moved down to my right hand. By morning I couldn't move my fingers. My whole right arm/hand/fingers were numb.

I didn't panic at first. I went to see a friend who is a chiropractor. Told her what had happened and we concluded that I'd tweaked a nerve from carrying Emily in my backpack on the big hike on a hot day. She adjusted me and I went home feeling happier.

But, the numbness didn't go and then my fingers wouldn't move either. Even when I concentrated so hard on moving them, it was like they weren't part of my body anymore.

I went back to my friend's office the next day, "Hey," I joked, "didn't work, let's try again...". She didn't tell me why, but she said I needed to go and see a doctor immediately. Turns out she knew right then what was going on, but legally cos she's not an MD, by law, she wasn't allowed to diagnose.

The next bit is a blur....Neurologists appointments, blood tests, spinal tap, brain MRIs, spine MRIs, phone calls, trips to Stanford neurology department, more phone calls. Then, 'the' phone call.

I was all alone. It was 4pm in the afternoon, Em was napping. The phone rang and it was the neurologist. "I've got bad news," he said. "You either have an incurable disease, Multiple Sclerosis, which means you'll probably be in a wheel chair in twenty years, or you have a large brain tumor, which, because of where it is positioned in your brain, is incurable."

I was devastated. I still remember exactly where I was standing in my old house. I remember what I was looking out the window at. Life went into slow motion. It was like being in a movie. Time stopped. My life flashed in front of my eyes. "But....but....but...." All I remember was this image fixed in my head of not being able to run and dance with Em. That was so important to me. To be able to run and chase her, play with her and dance with her.

I didn't understand how this had happened or why it had happened to me. At that moment, with that five minute phone call, life as I knew, had changed forever. Forever.

Of course, we figured it out...How, is another story or lots of stories that I'm sure I'll share another time. I can't write anymore of that today because I am crying too hard.

What I want to share today is something Emily, now nine years old, told me recently:

"I want to teach other kids that everyone is different in their own way, and it doesn't matter who you are, you're special. There's nothing different between someone who has a disease and someone who doesn't. The only difference is that sometimes the person who has the disease sometimes feels different and has to take care of themselves.

It's not scary at all, the disease isn't going to hurt you or do anything bad to you.

When the person is sick you just have to be really nice to them, they can't help it, or do anything about it. It's just what's happening to their body. If they're in a wheelchair, you shouldn't be scared, the just have a problem with their legs or feet, they're not like a monster from outta space or something, they can't help it."

Wow.

What an incredible little teacher.

I am so blessed.

xoxoxoxox

Be it. Don't just Do it.

That sounds a lot like the Nike ad. The Nike tag is 'Just Do It'. That's fine for getting in shape, getting a cute body, strengthening your muscles etc.

So what's the difference between doing it and being it? Doing it is when you purposely do something, you think about it, make a conscious decision, you might push yourself to do it because you think you should, it takes effort.

Being it is the next stage. It comes after you've made the choice, done the work and you relax. Like working really hard to go on vacation - you save up, take time deciding where you're going to go, do your prep - cancel the mail, take the dog to the kennels, pack, get to the airport, check in, get on the plane, arrive, get transportation to your hotel, unpack, change, get your stuff ready for the beach, find your way to the beach and "Arrrrrr", relax, you can be on vacation.

Is it possible to be all the time in everyday life? Are you doing life or are you being alive? Can you go deeper than just doing it? Can you slow down? Feel it. Morphe into it. Become it. Open to it. Lose yourself in it. Feel every cell of your body wake-up and become one with it?

There is a big difference between doing yoga and being yoga. When you first start yoga, you focus on learning the individual poses. The alignment, the names, where your body needs to be. You get into the pose, you do it. The next stage is when you release, let go of the gripping, forcing, working, and you become the pose. This is when Yoga really comes alive and the magic starts. The feeling you get from being the pose is why people love doing yoga.

When you lose your small-self, you merge with your breath and you experience a feeling of being alive, being part of something much bigger and part of an unseen energy. In yogic terms that energy is called 'Prana', in Chinese it is called 'Chi' (like Tai Chi) and in Japanese it is 'Ki' (like Rei-ki). In Eastern medicine, it is prana/chi/ki that are the healing energies.

One of the major symptoms of MS is numbness. Especially in the extremities - hands/fingers, feet/toes. Neurologists now categorize MS as a pyscho-neurological disease. Meaning that there are psychological influences behind the disease - the number one being stress. People with MS often experience episodes or relapses during or after stressful events and it is vital for people with MS to learn to manage their stress. Yoga is one of the two most prescribed exercises for people with MS (the other is swimming). The body can stay relatively cool in both exercises, both are meditative and calming for the mind and both strengthen and stretch the body.

One of the first signs of MS I experienced was complete numbness in my right arm, hand and fingers. It healed, but I recognize that in stressful situations, my tendency is to 'numb' out. A couple of months ago, I kept waking up full of adrenalin, I knew I needed to let the adrenaline out and let go. Months of stress of getting divorced, years of build-up in a bad marriage. Living close to the ocean, I decided to get up and go to the beach.

I did it in a sensibly wild way....It was pitch dark (5:30am), I wrapped up warm, stopped at Starbucks for a hot tea (got a Passion, love asking for that: "I'd like a big cup of hot passion please"), began the windy Hwy 1 drive to Stinson, thought better, turned around and went to Rodeo. Parked outside the firehouse.

As I was driving, I felt an energy pour through my body and experienced one of those "Ah-ha"moments. For the first time in years I felt alive. Really alive. As though all the numbness in my body was leaving. It was going away and was being replaced with new cells that were open to receive, experience and live. I knew I was leaving the MS behind. I was leaving the numbness created from being in such a negative environment. The numbness created to somehow protect myself from the situation I was in.

Now I know that there are lots of people with MS who have wonderful marriages, and I'm not blaming my marriage for the MS. But, I am saying that the stress of the marriage was a factor in the MS. I know that if you took an MRI of my brain, there are probably tons of lesions still. But this was my experience at that moment in time. And since that moment in time I've continued to feel alive and feel well. And it feels really really good.

This was my first time doing the beach thing - I'd seen it in movies and was most inspired by the beautiful scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, when Kate Winslet's character is at the frozen lake, making snow angels. I did the classic crazy-lady-on-the-beach-at-6am thing. I laughed, ran in circles, cried, prayed, made sand angels. Counted stars. Looked for the man on the moon. As the sun came up, I journaled:

Oct. 30 2009 6:40am

Running, crying, dancing, twisting, embracing feeling FREE and all the energies and power associated with that. I feel all my cells activate and wake up, I feel numbness be filled with vitality - MS replaced with strength and being alive!!!

I have done it! I escaped - I AM FREE!! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!

I got home and called my mum. She was proud of me for going to the beach. Proud of me for being myself. "I so want to fall in love, Mum", I told her, "but he has to think it's cool if I climb out of bed at 5:30am to go to the beach to run and make sand angels". "You'll find him Jane" she said. "He'll love all of you"... It's early days yet. I'm still feeling out how to be. But I know that sometime in the future, I will be with someone by my side. Someone equally passionate and alive. And kind. And hot ;)

And guess what? This is cool. Since I was diagnosed with MS eight years ago, I have experienced an episode every single Fall. Except this year.

xoxox

EXERCISE: Be the Music

This one's great and very simple. Put on a favorite piece of music. Dance if you feel inspired, sit and close your eyes if you don't. But be it. Be the music. Give yourself permission to stop your day for just a few minutes and be you.

xoxoxo

Gratefully Inspired

What does it feel like to Inspire?

What does it feel like to be Inspired?

This weekend I was given the gift of sharing the incredible experience of being with someone when their dream came true. It was inspirational in the truest sense of the word. Over the last few years, I have been blessed that many people have found me and my story inspirational. Today's blog is about Inspiration, about what happened over the weekend and showing you that we are all inspirational in our own way.

A year has gone by since I made the final decision to move on my journey without my ex (to get off the train with all it's baggage, stops at the stations, dirty loos, breaking for no reason, and onto the streamlined, come as you are and buckle-up rocket ship!).

They say that a year is a turning point after a big event, and with the year anniversary of being properly out of my marriage, came a huge shift. Along with incredible freedom and no-longer feeling caged, I have become able to stand back and look at myself objectively.

Now, when I stand back and see myself from afar, I see a beautiful, strong, single-mother, diagnosed with a chronic disease, living half-way across the world from her family, teaching other people with and without physical illness, helping them with their own lives through yoga, articles, this blog and soon other media.

I feel like I've pulled all the years of my life together - my training as a writer and in media at Uni, journalist and PR after; theater, dance, music and performing as a kid, fitness always, combined with my upbringing from an incredible and strong mother, and lovely accepting father who have always taught compassion and love come first. It is the combination of all these things that have led me to this place now.

And that, my friends, is why I'm alive and my gift to you. If I can inspire just one of you to stop right now and take a deep breath, come into your body and say Thank You for being alive, then my work here is done. That is my art. That is why I'm alive.

This weekend I was blessed to be with someone who inspired me to continue what I'm doing and to reach for the stars. I was with him right after he got the call that his dream had been realized. I witnessed him share that with his family and friends, and literally felt an energetic electric shock go through him as he was hit with the power of what had happened. He achieved it through talent, through working creatively with others in his team, through passion, determination and hard work.

A big part of what I learned from his experience is the unmistakable fact that we are all connected. Texts were popping, emails flying, calls ringing. Everyone was excited. His community had all had a role and were all basking in the Light. What I'm trying to emphasize is that no-one is an island. We all work together and we all affect each other. When good happens we all feel it. It's like being in one of the Disney Land commercials, the magical stream of fairy dust swirls from one person to the next, surrounding us all in Love, Light and inspiration.

I am sending it to you, right now. Here. Have some, jump onboard, be inspired. Follow your heart, follow your dreams. We all have our stories, we are all inspirations.

Seeing him experience his dream has only served to inspire me more. To get out there more, to do more writing, teaching, promoting. I hope that I can continue to be an inspiration to myself and to you. And I hope that I can inspire you to delve deep into your heart and passion and find what it is that inspires you and how you can inspire others.

Thank You all for being here on this journey with me.

The Light In Me, Honors the Light in You. Namaste.

xoxoxoxoxo

GRATITUDE EXERCISE

Close your eyes and slowly breath very deeply down into the very bottom of your lungs, as you breath in deeply feel your lungs fill to the very bottom, then to the sides of your body, to the back of your body and feel the breath completely to the top, filling them like balloons filled with air.

Release and relax your lungs exhaling completely. Repeat two more times or more if you've time and are enjoying it.

Open your eyes and relax your face, let go of any concentrating or holding the facial muscles. With this sense of calm you've created from breathing deeply, look around your room or even better, look outside the window and name things to be grateful for: i.e. "I am grateful for the beautiful blue sky, or I am grateful for the lovely grey rain clouds. I am grateful for having clean running water that is so easily available to me to make this nice cup of tea etc etc."

Bring this with you all day. See if three times during the day, you can stop the chatter in your head, press the pause button, and be in gratitude for something right there.

Try it. It feels amazing.

xoxoxo